Why

Why does the Lord give us hardship and pain? Is it to cause in us a longing for Him and His return? I think I may "see" pain in others lives more clearly than I had before. Sadness, pain, depression, loss. So much hardship and difficult things for us to understand. I believe that the difficulties in my life has given me a different, and better perspective. I believe that is ok to question and wonder why these things happen as long as I continue to trust God is in control and has a plan and know, even though I don't understand, that His plans is always best. Oh, Lord, come quickly.

Tara

My youngest has made it her mission to break our hope of not meeting our health insurance deductible this year. :) First stitches. This morning her eardrum ruptured. Not good--her tubes just were removed from her ears a month ago. I am a little worried about the direction this is going!

I noticed that this month I have started nearly every post about the weather effects. One more interesting comment on that. I signed up for an online warning email that lets you know if conditions are causing headaches for people with migraines. I think I get a warning email about every other day! Of course, I really don't have migraines but headaches none the less. Interesting or frustrating--depends on the day!

an accounting continued. . .

I forgot to mention two things. .

8. The ringing in my ears continues to be a constant thing. It is something I can certainly live with but it can drive me a little crazy especially when I am tired.
9. I probably mentioned quite a while ago that I had lost the feeling in my scalp from the tips of my ears up and over my head, down to my hairline in front and down the back of my head about an inch. That has gradually improved so that now I have about a 3-4 inch swath over the top of my head that is still numb. The doctor had said that it would probably come back eventually and it is very gradually. It is a strange thing to have someone touch the top of your head and know they are touching it but not being able to feel it. Even stranger is when the top of my head itches, but I can't feel that I am itching it so I can't get rid of that sensation. I lost the feeling on the top of my head after the March surgery.

An accounting. . .

I thought I would give a run down on the challenges I've had and how they are going.
1. The headache is staying fairly steady with ups and downs which are definitely impacted by weather.
2. Eating has improved quite a bit since leaving the hospital. I am still challenged by beef but am able to eat a little here and there. I need to experiment a little more with the organic beef since the one time I had it I didn't seem to have the side effects. Typically I will have pain under my lower right rib and occasionally I will become nauseated if I eat the wrong things.
3. Balance has improved, although still not normal. I take extra caution going down stairs always holding a railing and am very cautious on snow and ice.
4. The rash has been interesting. Someday I probably should have it checked out by a dermatologist but I don't have the desire at this point. My back is the worst and it is becoming more itchy. I have some spots all over and now a few on my face. My neck becomes really rashy on occasion, but often lasts a few hours then seems to subside. Weird.
5. My weight is nearly normal. I am about back to my "normal" weight prior to the weight gain I experienced while on a huge amounts of drugs through the Chicago headache clinic. Perhaps it was a good thing that I had that weight gain since I had a significant weight loss this last year from repeated surgeries.
6. The incisions have healed nicely, although the 12" scar on my stomach is still dark red. My stomach feels much better although it is still fairly sensitive if my daughter hugs me a little hard. The incision under my left arm where the chest tube went in is a little bothersome. It is sensitive to clothing, etc.
7. Finally, my strength doesn't seem to be gaining all that much. I am able to work in the office until about 1:30 most days but then need to rest for a couple hours. After that I am up and down but become quite exhausted very easily. I called the neurosurgeon in SF to see what he thought and he said that it could take a couple of years to really regain my strength. Since I can't exercise to the point of "pushing it" without getting a headache, it seems very difficult to make gains in this area. I also become mentally exhausted and overwhelmed fairly easy. I just can't seem to deal with things and handle things like I used to. Hopefully that will continue to improve.

So that is a run down of where I am at. Today church was more challenging. I ended up having to walk out this morning because the volume of the sound system was turned up just a little too much for me to deal with. Tonight was a little better but I still needed earplugs for the first time in a while. That was discouraging. However, the weather is once again unsettled so perhaps my head is more bothered because of that and the sound just made it a little worse. Who knows?

Wednesday

Well, the yucky weather arrived and I'm still not feeling so well. With all the ice I worry more about falling. My balance has improved but I still feel a little off balance. I really don't know if it would really hurt me to fall, but I worry about banging my head or even having too big of a jolt. Could it move the tubes in my brain? I would guess not, but I hope I don't have to find out. My head used to hurt so badly that the thought of the jolt just made me quiver. Now it would still really hurt, but I could handle it, I think.

After I write all that, I have to wonder how I dare to complain when I think about the intense suffering that the people in Haiti are enduring right now. I can't imagine the devastation, loss of family and friends, medical issues that are untreated and the overwhelming loss and hopelessness that they must be experiencing. There really is so much suffering in this world. As I have said before, suffering myself and seeing others suffer really makes me long more for our Lord's return. I am ready for that day. Are you?

Oh dear, the weather is changing

The weather is changing and I can feel it. Oh, the joys. I just have to remind myself that this is so much more tolerable than "before." So we can deal with it, I guess. I know that chiari can cause chronic pain and I also know that the intracranial hypertension can cause chronic pain. I wonder which is causing me more problems. I always assume the latter, but I guess I shouldn't assume and really I guess it doesn't matter. The bad thing is that I know that I lose my patience and have a lower tolerance of things when the pain level is up a little. I have to keep working on that.

Tara had her stitches removed on Friday and it went pretty well. She is so dramatic and was very nervous about it all, but the bribery of a donut afterwards if she didn't scream (she could cry I told her) seemed to do the trick. After the first stitch was out she declared that it didn't hurt and the next ones were out much easier. The donuts were good!

Thursday

Not a lot to report today. The weather was a little better which helped, but now is a little unsettled. I've had some general stress that seems to make things worse. Of all the crazy things, our office front door won't open because the cement in front of it heaved up a tad bit too much. After 6 years in this office, you would think things would be fine, but. . .So people are routed through our back door as we try to figure out what to do. Someone is going to try to ground down the cement a little this afternoon so we will see how that goes. Work is extra busy, the kids are extra busy and Kyle is working exta nights at the pizza place. Add to that his elder responsibilites have resumed and it makes life a little crazier than I can really handle.

I've been thinking about pain, pain tolerance and its affects on us. I sometimes really wish I could be in another persons body and experience a headache they consier bad so I could compare. Am I am wimp? I don't think I am but yet somedays I do have to question about everything. How do each of us tolerate pain? How do we deal with it? How do you classify pain? I hate the pain scale that doctors use, although there has to be some way to measure pain. To me, a headache that is an 8 to a 10 is a headache that has me writhing in pain in a hospital or emergency room, unable to communicate effectively and hoping that death is coming quickly. :) I have seen others rate a headache an 8 to a 10 and still go to work, laugh and function somewhat normally. So what is a true 8-10 pain rating? I guess it doesn't matter really, but does make it difficult to describe to a doctor how you are feeling when the measurement is so subjective. I am totally guessing, but the daily headache that I have now is probably a headache that others would think is a "bad" headache and that makes me think about these things. Ultimately, it is what it is and each of us have to learn how to deal with pain in our own ways and as effectively as we can. My suffering isn't any more important or somehow worse than another persons suffering and pain, but just the burden that the Lord has given each of us to bear.

Saturday

I am feeling a little better again today. I have suspected for some time that I am slightly overdraining since my last shunt adjustment. But the next setting seems to cause me to not drain enough so it seems that overdraining might be a better choice than underdraining. Kind of a funny thing to have to choose. Hmmm, I wonder if it is better to have too much fluid in my brain or too little--let's just change that! I guess before this happened I didn't think about my brain, let alone how much fluid it is floating in. Crazy how life can change.

We had some excitement in our home this week. Tara needed stitches in her hip! She decided, while getting ready to take a bath, to use a sharp scissors that I have up on a shelf that she can't reach to do something. She got on a stool, got the scissors, did her thing and when she jumped off the counter she somehow swiped her bare hip. The cut was not deep but it laid open about 1/4 inch and it is about 1 1/2" long. Three stitches, many tears and hysterics on her part and now she is healing. I am very thankful that it wasn't much worse and really hoping that this is a lesson in obedience! We've had many discussions about the consequences of making bad choices. The rather funny part is that after she realized that she had gotten cut she had the presence of mind to climb back onto the stool and put the scissors away to try to hide her disobedience before she came running out crying and hysterical. It was rather shocking to see her screaming, buck naked and running through the front room with blood gushing down her leg!

I wish. .

I really wish the weather would settle down! Another storm tomorrow with an expected 8" of snow. The snow is bad enough, but this weather has not been so good on my head. I am really hoping things can settle down in a variety of ways in hopes that my head will start feeling better!

Good news--I had half a hamburger last night and felt pretty normal! Friends gave us some organic hamburger to try so we gave it a shot and it was a go! I will probably try regular hamburger from our freezer one of these days and see if it goes as well, but this is a huge step! I am ready to eat normally--I love beef! Overall my stomach has been feeling better although Christmas snacking and meals weren't always tolerated so well. I am making progress in the food area, which is encouraging. Now I just need to get my head settled down and feeling better!

Great sermon

A great reminder for me from the Heidelberg Catechism: What is my only comfort in life and in death? That I am not my own but belong to my faithful Saviour, Jesus Christ. (I've shortened it) Romans 8 is the basis for this statement where Paul states that he is content in his circumstances, no matter what they may be. What a good reminder to me as I reflect on the challenges I've experienced. God is in control and has my life planned exactly how it is best for me. These difficulties are all for my good and I need to remember that and trust the Lord. I've been a little emotional the past few days, thinking about the journey through 2009 and wondering what 2010 will look like. God is in control, though, and I just need to rest in Him.

Happy New Year!

Wow! Can it be 2010?

Today I have spent some time in reflection, but I can't say it is all so positive. For the most part I stay pretty positive about how things are going and don't dwell on the problems but try to focus on the blessings. Today I do wonder what the next year will bring. Will there be any cure's or total relief? What is causing the headaches? Is it the intracranial hypertension or could it go back to the chiari issue or maybe a combination of the two? Will it ever get better or at the very least stay the same? What does life hold for me--will I ever regain my strength? Participate in normal life "stuff" again?

Please don't get me wrong--I am so thankful to be doing better. This has been the best I have been for a period of time for 3 1/2 years. I am grateful and thank the Lord for His many blessings. But I've not been feeling as good the last little while and of course that makes me wonder what direction I am going. I'm not being pessimistic but just wondering. I'm not sure I can survive another year like 2009.