Friday

I am busy packing today. We are going away for a little bit with the kids. I am praying that it goes well for all of us but particularly that I don't have any problems. I would think that things will go well but I always feel that I have to be prepared for things to change.

This week an agent that I knew passed away from a massive heart attack. He was 47. Another reminder of the brevity of life. I am reminded that all of us need to live life appreciating each moment and always being prepared to meet the Lord. Living life as if we will live forever, as we so often do, and not living for the Lord is a dangerous thing.

I continue to pray for my children. The last few years with my health issues have left their mark on them. It seems that one or two are struggling more with it. We continue to hope that time heals the lingering fear in their minds.

Sunday

It is a Sunday evening and I have been reflecting on the last week and the last few years of my life. What a roller coaster! It seems as if I have more moments of dread lately for not particular reason.

The thought of staying in the hospital again fills me with dread. I think of different times that I have rolled into the operating room, the visits with a variety of doctors and different levels of pain. Difficult trips to Milwaukee with extra drugs pumped into me at the local hospital to help me make the trip. Sitting in my bedroom with earplugs and still being overwhelmed with the noise of my kids in the next room. Staying at my parents home a few times because I just couldn't handle the noise no matter how quiet my kids tried to be. Feeling so overwhelmed that I couldn't think through things enough to determine what clothes my kids needed during change of seasons for my sister to buy.

Oh, there have been some really tough times. I just dread the time that it happens again and pray that next time the shunt placements will go better. I pray that I don't get another infection. Occasionally I will have pain in my side where the shunt is now draining and I wonder if this is it. I long to be a mom to my kids at least until they are in college and a little more independent. I pray that the Lord gives me that time to be here with them. the Lord is in control and if He does decide to take me earlier, I know that He will provide for my husband and kids and will give them what they need. But I pray that this is not His plan and that if it is He gives each of them and all the members of my family a special measure of grace.

I am not living in fear but I it just seems that I will have flashbacks sometimes that continue to bring the memories to the front of my mind again. This continues to be the longest time that I have done fairly well and I am so thankful for these days of near normalcy--for my sake and for my entire family. What a blessing this has been!

Nothing new

I am so thankful that the weather has warmed! No snow is just great, too. :) Even if the temperatures aren't so warm, just seeing the sun shine is such a blessing.

I have been doing fairly well. Of course, the storms coming through bothered me a little, but it was ok. This time of year just seems busier and I am feeling more tired. But I would guess there are a few other moms that would say the same. It is a blessing to be involved in the activity even as a spectator sometimes, though.

Songs run through my mind a lot. I love music and couldn't listen to music at all during the period of time that my headaches were stronger. Now to be able to turn on music is just such a great thing! Back to the song running through my mind, though. There is a song that says something like "How can I say thanks for the things You have done for me? Things so undeserved that you came and gave your life to me." and so on. I really do have so much to be thankful for this beautiful spring day!

Learning opportunity

Well, I did something rather um. . . dumb. . . this week. The story begins with my vitamins running out over the weekend. I take several really good vitamins each morning and evening. I knew they would be coming in mid to late this week so I just didn't take any. However, I always take a pill in the morning and evening. But, since I take it with my vitamins I completely forgot to take it. Well, my headache became stronger and stronger. Finally Wednesday morning I told Kyle that I just wasn't sure what to do. Pain medication doesn't really help. Welll, we were discussing it and he asked me about the pill I take. I then realized that I hadn't been taking it! I immediately started taking it again and within a day I started feeling better.

It was not so smart, but it was an interesting test! Obviously I am not just imagining that it helps! I don't think I will do that again. It seems so ridiculous that I forgot to take it, but I think that it was such a habit to take them all together and since the habit was "broken" I just didn't think about it. I am thankful that it really is helping. The yucky weather earlier this week didn't help the situation, either.

Happy Easter

What a blessed day! I really can't remember the last few Easters. It is kind of a scary thing to have such large blocks of time missing in my mind. This was a memorable day, though. We had such an awesome sermon in church today, and the Easter hymns were just beautiful. What a wonderful day to remember!

Kyle's family came to my house for dinner today, which was an accomplishment for me! I used to do these things regularly. However, I have to quickly add that I just took care of the ham and potatoes and they did all the rest of the food. It made it much easier for me, and even then it was a bit exhausting but doable. It was so nice to enjoy their company today, though, and to be able to do something like this again.

We had such a nice dinner on Saturday for Kyle's aunts birthday. It was fun to see many that I haven't seen for quite a while--some not since they visited me in the hospital. I think that I look better now than I did then. What a blessing to find out how many of them have followed this blog. I have been so blessed in many ways through this difficult journey. Kyle publicly thanked them for their support of us which was a bit emotional but we really wanted to express our thankfulness for such kindness shown to us.

I am not giving up, but yet I suspect that I may not completely regain my strength. Perhaps I will need to learn how to live this way. Exercise is still difficult. I can do some, but it doesn't take too much activity to make my head hurt worse. However, if I don't push myself I am not going to gain strength very fast, either. On days that I have kept things pretty low key I can walk around the block. I have learned, though, that if I am not very well rested I had better not try to walk around the block or I will pay for it!

A week has passed. . .

A week has passed since I have written. Things continue to be about the same. I had a couple rough days Friday and Saturday. Part of the problem was the weather change and the other problem was my activity. I attended our church talent show and really enjoyed it but it was much too loud for me. I knew it and made it through a little over half, then had to go into the adjoining hallway that was quieter. It always takes a good 24 hours to "recover" and have my headache settle down. However, I also ended up going shopping for a time on Saturday also, which wasn't so wise but again one of those things. I really needed to do it and it worked for my sister to take me around. I got a lot done but was pretty worn out and the headache wasn't so great, either.

This week so far has been better. I have kept my activity down which seems to help. This will be a busy weekend again, though, with Easter coming up. I am so thankful that I can take part in some of the activities of normal life, though. I really hope that I can gradually regain my strength and continue working into a more normal life.