I am so frustrated with myself. I just can't seem to handle things as well. It is hard to explain, but I get overwhelmed so easily and then it seems like I am stuck. I can recognize what is happening, but I just can't get past it. I'm not sure why this continues to happen. I think the hardest part is with my kids. There is so much commotion sometimes with four kids and I just can't handle it more often than not. It isn't fair to the kids but there really isn't a solution. Sometimes it is the kids' fault--typical kids arguing with each other, etc., but sometimes it isn't.
Well, I had to vent a bit. This has been an ongoing problem that I thought would get better but it isn't. Sorry! I just had to sound off a bit. I think of all the residual issues this has been the most frustrating.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A bit better
I am thankful to say that I am feeling a little better starting yesterday. I hope it continues!
What a blessing to spend the Lord's day in church. I just am so thankful that I am able to attend regularly. What a blessing that is! I know it has been a year now since I have been home but I continue to find it such a blessing to be able to go to church after having to miss so much the previous three years when I struggled so much. I have been able to handle church pretty well with the noise, but after I struggle with the fellowship after. Many people stay to visit, which I love, but the noise level is just too much for me. I am so sorry to miss it but yet it is a small thing in the scope of it all.
What a blessing to spend the Lord's day in church. I just am so thankful that I am able to attend regularly. What a blessing that is! I know it has been a year now since I have been home but I continue to find it such a blessing to be able to go to church after having to miss so much the previous three years when I struggled so much. I have been able to handle church pretty well with the noise, but after I struggle with the fellowship after. Many people stay to visit, which I love, but the noise level is just too much for me. I am so sorry to miss it but yet it is a small thing in the scope of it all.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Another year! Happy Birthday to me! :)
I have made it another year, and overall it has been a good year. I'm not sure if I am ready to actually be a year older, though! In a way it is really hard to believe that it has actually been a year since I've had a surgery or been hospitalized. What a blessing!
I still have a little more headache than before. The weather has been fluctuating yet, so I am hoping that is it. I am just taking things a day at a time, though, and hoping that I start feeling better
I still have a little more headache than before. The weather has been fluctuating yet, so I am hoping that is it. I am just taking things a day at a time, though, and hoping that I start feeling better
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday
Well, this hasn't been such a good week. I'm not really sure why. Not terrible, but I have definitely been more headachy than usual. Weather changes? Too busy? Not sure.
I don't remember if I wrote this already, but last Saturday I bumped my head right where one of the shunt tubes go into my skull. A sensitive area and I hit it with a cupboard door right in the worst spot. I didn't pass out from the pain, but close. It is still hurting so I hope I didn't damage anything there. I can still feel the tube and it feels intact. I am not starting to retain any spinal fluid in that spot, either, so it doesn't seem likely that it is leaking. It doesn't hurt like a bruise, so the pain there is a bit hard to explain. I am praying that I start picking up a little. I am still doing my normal thing (what is normal for me now anyway!) but just not feeling as well.
I don't remember if I wrote this already, but last Saturday I bumped my head right where one of the shunt tubes go into my skull. A sensitive area and I hit it with a cupboard door right in the worst spot. I didn't pass out from the pain, but close. It is still hurting so I hope I didn't damage anything there. I can still feel the tube and it feels intact. I am not starting to retain any spinal fluid in that spot, either, so it doesn't seem likely that it is leaking. It doesn't hurt like a bruise, so the pain there is a bit hard to explain. I am praying that I start picking up a little. I am still doing my normal thing (what is normal for me now anyway!) but just not feeling as well.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sunday
Well, I "observed" the one year mark since being in the hospital. I have actually not had a surgery and/or been admitted into the hospital for a year! The only medical issue was the er visit when I couldn't stop throwing up. That is really an accomplishment for me, considering the challenges that I've had for the last four years. One year! Yippee!
Oh Lord, if it be your will let me avoid additional surgeries and/or hospital stays this next year! And if that isn't Your will, give me the strength and wisdom to handle the plans that You do have for my life! I certainly wouldn't choose the challenges that the Lord has given me and my family, but I know that His plans are best.
Another thought that has been stirring around in my mind is that the Lord has been gracious to me. Some have said that I am so strong, but the only strength that I have had is the strength given to me by the Lord. That being said, I have some pretty tough times of questioning, periods of anger about my circumstances and sadness at the many things that I have missed. I am far from perfect. There are so many "why's" that probably will never be answered this side of heaven, but I suspect that many people have some of those questions as well. I have had challenges but there are many others that have experienced difficulties much worse than mine. And medical issues aren't the only struggles or the worst struggles. I know that the Lord uses these periods of testing to strengthen His people, but in the midst of these trials it is difficult to not ask why. But then I turn back to Psalm 139 and remember that God is in control and He knows what is best for me--I don't! I will continue to look forward to the day of the Lord's return.
Oh Lord, if it be your will let me avoid additional surgeries and/or hospital stays this next year! And if that isn't Your will, give me the strength and wisdom to handle the plans that You do have for my life! I certainly wouldn't choose the challenges that the Lord has given me and my family, but I know that His plans are best.
Another thought that has been stirring around in my mind is that the Lord has been gracious to me. Some have said that I am so strong, but the only strength that I have had is the strength given to me by the Lord. That being said, I have some pretty tough times of questioning, periods of anger about my circumstances and sadness at the many things that I have missed. I am far from perfect. There are so many "why's" that probably will never be answered this side of heaven, but I suspect that many people have some of those questions as well. I have had challenges but there are many others that have experienced difficulties much worse than mine. And medical issues aren't the only struggles or the worst struggles. I know that the Lord uses these periods of testing to strengthen His people, but in the midst of these trials it is difficult to not ask why. But then I turn back to Psalm 139 and remember that God is in control and He knows what is best for me--I don't! I will continue to look forward to the day of the Lord's return.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Tuesday
Holiday's are so wonderful. We really appreciated the time together celebrating the Fourth of July although we celebrated on the 5th. The weather wasn't so very great but we had a lot of fun and the timing of things worked out pretty well for us between times of rain.
I continue having so many thoughts of the time in the hospital. It seems odd to me that I keep thinking about that time when I really don't want to think about it. However, in many ways it has been good for me because it continues to remind me to be thankful. How very blessed we are!
A Psalm that continues to come to mind for me is Psalm 139. What a beautiful Psalm of comfort! For years I have considered Psalm 121 my favorite but Psalm 139 is definitely right up there. Knowing that the Lord knows everything about me including my thoughts and the words I speak before I even speak them! The verses 5 & 6 "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it." I love those words of comfort that promise that I can't do anything and nothing can happen to me that is outside of the Lord's sovereign will. That is so comforting! I remember reading the Psalms so often while in the hospital and being comforted and the continue to comfort me when I begin to question the Lord or become discouraged. God is good, all the time.
I continue having so many thoughts of the time in the hospital. It seems odd to me that I keep thinking about that time when I really don't want to think about it. However, in many ways it has been good for me because it continues to remind me to be thankful. How very blessed we are!
A Psalm that continues to come to mind for me is Psalm 139. What a beautiful Psalm of comfort! For years I have considered Psalm 121 my favorite but Psalm 139 is definitely right up there. Knowing that the Lord knows everything about me including my thoughts and the words I speak before I even speak them! The verses 5 & 6 "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it." I love those words of comfort that promise that I can't do anything and nothing can happen to me that is outside of the Lord's sovereign will. That is so comforting! I remember reading the Psalms so often while in the hospital and being comforted and the continue to comfort me when I begin to question the Lord or become discouraged. God is good, all the time.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Friday
The weather seems to have settled a little the last few days and I have been feeling better. Dare I say that I may be gaining a little strength? I'm not back to where I was by a long stretch but feeling like I may have improved a bit. Oh, I am so very thankful that I am not in the hospital. I am remembering last year spending the 4th in the hospital and that is just not such a cheerful place to be, particularly over the holidays. I remember my parents and Karleen came down for a meal at noon at the cafeteria. I don't remember much beyond that and that is probably ok. What a blessing to be home and staying steady or slightly improving. I have a lot more concern and empathy for those that are in hospitals for a length of time, particularly holidays. I am so thankful that I wasn't there over Christmas!
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