Wednesday

Tonight we attended the dedication of a new church building and were able to see many dear friends that I haven't seen for quite a while since we moved and no longer attend that church. It was beautiful and so neat to see God's blessing there.

Recently several people have told me that they feel that they can tell me now that time has passed since being in the hospital that when they visited me there they really didn't think I was going to live. That is a sobering thing to hear once, and even more to hear it several times from different people. But it is a good thing for me to hear. I so often forget how ill I was. That is ok, except that it also makes me so impatient and frustrated. The last couple weeks I have just been, in all honesty, discouraged and frustrated. Really no good reason. I should be happy and thankful, which I am, but still just need to get out of this slump. I am really weary of being sick. I have been sick for 3 1/2 years and just so much want to be well. I am better then I have been for a long time. The headaches are bothersome but not overwhelming or horrible. I can deal with them. I just can't seem to gain my strength. I am taking a week off of physical therapy just because I needed a break. It doesn't seem like I am seeing any progress and I decided I just am sick of dealing with all this. Probably not the best choice.

Now I am done whining. I need to move on and just be thankful that I am alive, parenting my kids, being a wife and making steps in the right direction. My continued study of the Psalms of Ascent have definitely been an encouragement to me--well timed.

Sunday

We are better here again. Tara's temp finally stopped Saturday. She was at 103 for about three days, so it is nice to see my little girl back. Kyle and I started the Tama-flu. I may be able to handle the flu just fine but my health isn't all that great so it could really throw me for a loop, too. We opted to take the precaution.

I very optimistically purchased concert tickets a couple months ago for one last night. If I would have waited I wouldn't have purchased the tickets for myself, but since I had them I decided to go with Kyle and the two older kids. I made it through, although I had earplugs and sat in the back behind the glass so the sound was muffled somewhat. My head has been ringing and sensitive all day today, but I was pretty happy that I could be there with Kyle and the kids, even if I didn't sit with them. :) Last time he was in town two years ago we had tickets but my sister went on my ticket because there wasn't even a remote possibility of me being able to be there, so this was progress.

Thursday

We continue to experience what I am guessing is H1N1, although we haven't been tested. Riley and Kylie started our household last week, Tanner had a very mild case over the weekend (I think--didn't slow him down much) and now Tara has it. She has probably been the worst, with the temp up and down, congestion, coughing and sore throat. So we have been home together yesterday and today. The only ones left are yours truly and Kyle. We'll see if we get it or are spared.

I feel like I have kind of come to a stand still. I can't really see that I have made progress the last several weeks in gaining strength. Admittedly, I used to (a couple years ago) burn the candle at both ends, pushing myself beyond what I probably should have. How many moms don't, though, especially when you add work to the mix. I remember running from first thing in the morning until 10 or 11 at night without really sitting or relaxing any day except the Lord's day. It ocassionally drives me crazy when I see so much to do, things that I really want to do, that I just can't do. Returning to the life that I had "before" probably isn't going to happen and that may be best, but I hope I can reach a happy medium. The needs are still there, but the ability to do them just isn't following.

Blessed sabbath

Once again I am quite amazed. I put the last comment in my last post about the few people reading this without really thinking. So was I ever surprised to see the comments and emails that I received telling me that you are reading. Thank you so much for caring!

Today was a step in a direction that I wasn't so happy with. I had to wear earplugs in church tonight. There were a few things that changed that made an impact, but it was still hard for me to do that again.

Thursday

We officially have the flu in our house, but so far I have been spared. Kylie & Riley have not been feeling well, but we are really hoping they won't share.

I saw another doctor on Wednesday. I haven't written about this because again it seems like an unimportant side issue. My left foot is causing me some problems again. I had a Morton's neuroma removed from both feet about 3-4 years ago and it feels like one is back. I saw the podiatrist finally (something I have put off for about 2 years) and he thinks I may not need surgery! Yeah! He thinks it has something to do with the bones in the fourth joint, right smack against where the neuroma was removed. My orthodics were revised and we will see if that will start helping the problem. The thought of another surgery makes me sick to my stomach but if I needed it done we decided that we should get it done this year since we are far beyond deductibles and co-pays. Denial just didn't get rid of the problem, but I am optimistic now that I won't have to deal with that!

My head has been a little better on the average this week. I optimistically bought tickets a while ago for a music concert coming up in town and am a little concerned about how that will go but I really, really want to do that! I guess we'll see.

Thank you to the few that are still reading this blog. I wish sometimes that I knew who has all read this blog and I would like to thank you in person for caring enough to stick with me through this long journey!

Sunday

I hope everyone had a blessed and restful Sabbath. I am so enjoying being able to attend our church twice each Sunday. What a privilege!

I probably spoke a little early on my pancreas settling down. It seems that it was getting better but this week it became a little worse again. Another "episode" occurred again with the pancreas area where I have a very strong pain for about 30-45 seconds under my right rib. It hit suddenly, but I can't move, talk or function until it subsides. It aches for about a day after the pain subsides, but that 30 seconds is painful and scary. I've only had it happen twice. The first time, a few weeks ago, and then this week again. I called the surgeon, after my family's urging, and he is ordering additional tests and I am starting a new drug. It hopefully will help with the eating and this pain that I've had. We'll see what happens. I would rather ignore it. This pancreas thing still feels like an unimportant side problem compared to the headaches, but Iguess it is still a problem.

My head has been varying in levels of headache, but all still tolerable. The weather seems to cause problems. Friday and Saturday were good, which I appreciated!

Better

My head is finally adjusting to the new pressure change. I had hoped that perhaps the headache would leave but it maybe slightly improved it. Thankfully it is still very tolerable now that I am used to the new pressure, so we keep moving forward.

Sometimes I am amazed at how tired I can become, and it is a tired that is hard to explain. Physically I am tired and mentally I am even more exhausted. Of course, that varies but I don't remember ever feeling such a total exhaustion like this before. Oh yes, I would get very tired and exhausted but this is a little different and a bit overwhelming sometimes. I suppose that will just continue to take time.

I am excited to report that my stomach--or probably more acurately my pancreas--seems to be improving a little bit. I ate a little bit of a pork chop and it went ok! Hamburger beyond a few bites still bothers me but I can see that I am making progress with meat and a few other things, which is encouraging.

I have been thinking about this illness and wonder sometimes. I continue to pray for recovery and restoration of health, but should I concentrate more on thanking God for the things that He has done for us through this? Perhaps the answer to attaining good health will always be "no." I can't honestly say that I am thankful for this illness because it is very hard, but I am so thankful for all that I have learned and the things the Lord has taught me through this. I am trying to spend much more time on thankfulness for many blessings but will continue to ask for good health. How many things did I take for granted before this happened? A lot! I guess I still do to a certain extent, but much less then I did before. I also yearn more and more for the Lord to come soon!

But I also look at my husband and kids and am very thankful that the Lord spared me once again so that I can continue being a wife and mom. A friend told me today that when she visited me in the hospital this summer that she really didn't think I would come home. I am thankful that my kids still have a mom and my dear husband has a wife, so we will keep moving forward and see what the Lord has in store for our lives.