A day in February. . .

Yes, I have neglected my blog.  That does mean that life has overall been a little more "even" or stable.  My strength is possibly a little improved since I can walk further than I have been able to for a few years.  On the other had, I do wear out pretty quickly and still struggle with stronger headaches if I am not careful.

Today this post is just a bit of rambling.  Even though I look healthier and on the outside things appear to be back to normal for those that don't see me so often, I often feel that that is so far from the truth.  I love to hear that I am looking better but yet part of me wants to say that how I look and how I feel can be entirely different.  Yes, I am so very thankful for doing as well as I am.  I honestly didn't think that I would ever do as well as I am.  That being said, I am struggling with the balance.  I have the energy to do a limited amount of activity.  How do I choose what to do?  I have a great deal of responsibility at our office and demands on my time that are hard to meet.  Yet our kids need me so badly.  Then there is my neglected husband.  What about my ill father and father-in-law?  Add to that the activities of the kids, potential of doing "normal" things like seeing friends or going shopping.  Yep, there just isn't the energy.  So I have cut most social activities including Bible Study.  I try to attend the any of the activities the kids are in which is often more than I can handle so I pay for it.  And I struggle with getting through each day.  A house to keep clean, clothes to wash, meals to make, schedules to keep . . . .What to do?

So today as I sit here with a headache, which is daily but maybe slightly stronger as the week has progressed and I am nearing the end of my ability to push through, I am having a pity party.  Doesn't do any good so perhaps if I write about it I can leave it where it is and move on.  Rarely do people live the lives they had dreamed of, but I never would have dreamed that headaches would dominate and control my life.  Why, when we have four kids who need a real mom that is part of their lives?  God knows the answer to that question but I don't. 

I just read this story by another person with a chronic illness that explained how she rations her time.  I thought it was so appropriate!   Here is the link:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/