A Wednesday

Things are still a little tough around here with my head.  Obviously it isn't a secret since it is on the blog but I have tried not to make such a big deal out of it just because our family, but especially me, is so sick of these headache issues!

I saw the “Eyegraine” doctor first yesterday.  After some testing, he is quite convinced that my eyes are the issue.  He is having me do an experiment where I have one lense of my glasses covered so that I am only using one eye for everything.  He said that after three to four days of that if my headache goes away we will know that is the problem.  I hope it at least goes down.  It seems to much to expect to have it go away entirely. 

Being with one eye is challenging and right now I don’t think it is helping the headache.  His testing showed that my eyes are not properly aligned and so that they are working particularly hard to focus.  That in turn irritates a nerve connected to the eye that runs through the side of my head and down the neck.  He thinks it will take that long to find out because my nerves are so irritated.  We’ll see how this goes.  If it is indeed the problem, he doesn’t think replacing my lenses will help because they will continually need to be adjusted.  So he proposed that I see a particular ophthalmologist for further testing if this seems to be the issue.  He may then suggest a surgery to cut one of the muscles in one of my eyes and I think reattach it (I am not sure about the last part) so that my eyes will more closely align.  He thinks that I will still need the “Eyegraine” lenses but that I will not have nearly as many problems.  He said that my eyes are 90 pixels off, whatever that means.

At this point my headache has been more intense than it has for a couple years besides the occasional bad day.  My ears are ringing loudly and I am having a tough time processing and thinking through things.  It is very hard to go back to this day in and day out.  Please don't laugh too loudly if you happen to see me because it does look strange to have one side of my glasses covered up!

This morning was especially hard because I had a big day yesterday and chose to go to a concert of the older kids last night.  Huge day and payback came today.  After a hot bath and nap I am picking up a bit.  I need to since today is Riley's birthday! 

A little decline

So I have deteriorated a bit once again.  I've noticed that the last month or so I have slowly declined but started feeling it more last week and it hit me hard this week.  Wednesday night Kyle gave me a shot and then I was able to get in to the neurologist Thursday.  I hadn't really believed that the botox shots were really helping my headaches since I continue to have the headache every day. However, since I have declined a ways it is very possible that it is because I haven't had the most recent series. 

The doctor gave me the 39 botox shots in my forehead, side of my head, neck and shoulders.  Then because I was feeling pretty miserable even though I had taken a Toradol shot a few hours earlier she gave me two other shots to try to contain the headache.  Thankfully my Dad drove me down there and back because I didn't feel confident in driving myself.  The shots helped but I am still struggling a bit.  My ears are ringing loudly and I can feel the stronger headache lurking.  I went to physical therapy today to get some relief as well.

The doctor asked me to come back on Tuesday for a consult and to check my eyes to see if the "Eyegraine" prescription needs to be adjusted.  They will also review current medications to see if there is anything else going on.  I can feel myself going the wrong way so I really hope the doctor here can put her finger on what is happening and help me get this turned around again!

A day in February. . .

Yes, I have neglected my blog.  That does mean that life has overall been a little more "even" or stable.  My strength is possibly a little improved since I can walk further than I have been able to for a few years.  On the other had, I do wear out pretty quickly and still struggle with stronger headaches if I am not careful.

Today this post is just a bit of rambling.  Even though I look healthier and on the outside things appear to be back to normal for those that don't see me so often, I often feel that that is so far from the truth.  I love to hear that I am looking better but yet part of me wants to say that how I look and how I feel can be entirely different.  Yes, I am so very thankful for doing as well as I am.  I honestly didn't think that I would ever do as well as I am.  That being said, I am struggling with the balance.  I have the energy to do a limited amount of activity.  How do I choose what to do?  I have a great deal of responsibility at our office and demands on my time that are hard to meet.  Yet our kids need me so badly.  Then there is my neglected husband.  What about my ill father and father-in-law?  Add to that the activities of the kids, potential of doing "normal" things like seeing friends or going shopping.  Yep, there just isn't the energy.  So I have cut most social activities including Bible Study.  I try to attend the any of the activities the kids are in which is often more than I can handle so I pay for it.  And I struggle with getting through each day.  A house to keep clean, clothes to wash, meals to make, schedules to keep . . . .What to do?

So today as I sit here with a headache, which is daily but maybe slightly stronger as the week has progressed and I am nearing the end of my ability to push through, I am having a pity party.  Doesn't do any good so perhaps if I write about it I can leave it where it is and move on.  Rarely do people live the lives they had dreamed of, but I never would have dreamed that headaches would dominate and control my life.  Why, when we have four kids who need a real mom that is part of their lives?  God knows the answer to that question but I don't. 

I just read this story by another person with a chronic illness that explained how she rations her time.  I thought it was so appropriate!   Here is the link:  http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/