Life continues to be difficult. I have not been communicating much at all and I am so sorry! This is hard because I don't feel that I can really talk about things freely in respect to our kids.
However, I can talk about myself! :)
My headache has been a little stronger the last while and I have increased the dosage of the prescription (with a doctor of course!) a couple weeks ago and that has helped some. I believe that this is simply stress related. Dealing with a lot of challenges at home, working half days and not being close to full strength is impossible for me but I am doing it. So my head is my weakness and where the exhaustion and stress shows itself clearly. The hard thing is this isn't going to be a quick fix. But we continue to pray for God's mercy and grace to carry us through each day.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Saturday
We are together as a family again. Oh, it is so hard in many ways to have one missing for reasons that are so hard. I am exhausted and I just ache all over for all my kids and the hurt they are carrying.
Our youngest continues at home and has been doing well although this last 1 1/2 weeks was pretty hard on her, too. We are working really hard at taking things a moment at a time and doing the best we can to love each child as they need. We feel so inadequate!
Our youngest continues at home and has been doing well although this last 1 1/2 weeks was pretty hard on her, too. We are working really hard at taking things a moment at a time and doing the best we can to love each child as they need. We feel so inadequate!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Sunday
Life has been just plain difficult. I've received a few notes asking me to post again and I have been at a loss for words.
We've pulled one of our kids out of school and are working with a therapist trying to get on top of some behavioral issues that are hurting the child as well as the family. Major undertaking and a great deal of stress. All of our kids are really hurting. Too many hard things have happened over the years of me not being well and it is really showing up. We have a child in the hospital right now for depression. That really hurts all of us. My heart just aches.
So Mothers Day has been discouraging. It seems that mothering has not gone so well for me. I have four hurting kiddo's and although we are taking the steps that we think are best for each of the kids we don't know if they are the right steps. We love each of them fiercely but that isn't enough.
Please pray for our family. The Lord is the great Physician and the only one that can heal the many hurts in our family.
We've pulled one of our kids out of school and are working with a therapist trying to get on top of some behavioral issues that are hurting the child as well as the family. Major undertaking and a great deal of stress. All of our kids are really hurting. Too many hard things have happened over the years of me not being well and it is really showing up. We have a child in the hospital right now for depression. That really hurts all of us. My heart just aches.
So Mothers Day has been discouraging. It seems that mothering has not gone so well for me. I have four hurting kiddo's and although we are taking the steps that we think are best for each of the kids we don't know if they are the right steps. We love each of them fiercely but that isn't enough.
Please pray for our family. The Lord is the great Physician and the only one that can heal the many hurts in our family.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A Tuesday evening
I haven't written much lately. I'm contemplating whether I should just stop writing on this blog and keep it open or write occasionally. Hmmm.
I have been learning that there are many pains in this life, some more describable and easier to verbalize than others. My headaches have caused a lot of pain and trial in our lives along with growth in faith and strength of spirit and understanding that I can trust the Lord no matter what. It seems that the Lord continues to strengthen me through hard times as I am sure many others have experienced as well.
As a child and teen I had a couple girls that told me over and over that I was a loser, ugly, stupid and would never amount to anything. I would never get married and I was just plain weird. A person can fully absorb that and believe it but also move forward and heal. I loved moving on to college and embraced a new start.
Fast forward to years of infertility prior to having our two biological children. Pain and heartache that is hard to describe. Then secondary infertility and the inability to have any other children when the Lord had placed in our hearts the desire for a larger family. Working through the emotions of that and deciding that the Lord was leading us to adoption from Guatemala. Our first adoption was difficult although not even close to as difficult as others that I have known.
A couple years later my health began to deteriorate and we are now nearly seven years into a hard, hard time of pain which created a great deal of instability in our family. During my worst years, my concern about my kids focused on what was happening during those times, what we were missing and how they were hurting and scared. I didn't think so much about the multiple scars that would be left behind by not knowing so many times if mom would live or die. People say that kids are resilient and can "handle" it. I think we are finding now that they really can't, but they can hide the hurt for a while.
I describe this as a sample of a few things in my life to explain that I understand hurt by others, internal pain and indescribable physical pain. I've seen my parents suffer in ways that are indescribable. The pain now of seeing my kids hurting and struggling is the hardest thing that we have experienced, and not something that we can really describe on a public blog. That explains my silence. I'm not trying to say "poor me" or "poor us" or try to gain sympathy. This post is just an explanation as best as I can make of where we are now.
Please continue to pray for our family. We are hurting and perhaps a little fearful of a decline of my seemingly fragile health. We know our kids are hurting and struggling and we often aren't clear in how to help. We all long for the Lord's return which will end the pain of life on this earth. Please don't get me wrong--there are bright spots and times of joy--but there is a also a lot of hurt and questions about where the Lord is leading us and what the future may look like for each one of our kids.
I have been learning that there are many pains in this life, some more describable and easier to verbalize than others. My headaches have caused a lot of pain and trial in our lives along with growth in faith and strength of spirit and understanding that I can trust the Lord no matter what. It seems that the Lord continues to strengthen me through hard times as I am sure many others have experienced as well.
As a child and teen I had a couple girls that told me over and over that I was a loser, ugly, stupid and would never amount to anything. I would never get married and I was just plain weird. A person can fully absorb that and believe it but also move forward and heal. I loved moving on to college and embraced a new start.
Fast forward to years of infertility prior to having our two biological children. Pain and heartache that is hard to describe. Then secondary infertility and the inability to have any other children when the Lord had placed in our hearts the desire for a larger family. Working through the emotions of that and deciding that the Lord was leading us to adoption from Guatemala. Our first adoption was difficult although not even close to as difficult as others that I have known.
A couple years later my health began to deteriorate and we are now nearly seven years into a hard, hard time of pain which created a great deal of instability in our family. During my worst years, my concern about my kids focused on what was happening during those times, what we were missing and how they were hurting and scared. I didn't think so much about the multiple scars that would be left behind by not knowing so many times if mom would live or die. People say that kids are resilient and can "handle" it. I think we are finding now that they really can't, but they can hide the hurt for a while.
I describe this as a sample of a few things in my life to explain that I understand hurt by others, internal pain and indescribable physical pain. I've seen my parents suffer in ways that are indescribable. The pain now of seeing my kids hurting and struggling is the hardest thing that we have experienced, and not something that we can really describe on a public blog. That explains my silence. I'm not trying to say "poor me" or "poor us" or try to gain sympathy. This post is just an explanation as best as I can make of where we are now.
Please continue to pray for our family. We are hurting and perhaps a little fearful of a decline of my seemingly fragile health. We know our kids are hurting and struggling and we often aren't clear in how to help. We all long for the Lord's return which will end the pain of life on this earth. Please don't get me wrong--there are bright spots and times of joy--but there is a also a lot of hurt and questions about where the Lord is leading us and what the future may look like for each one of our kids.
Isaiah 41:10
English Standard Version (ESV)
10 fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Saturday evening
I haven't written for a while! I just looked back at a year ago and found that today marks one year that I was released from the hospital! I had the surgery to remove the shunts a year and a few days ago and I remember how difficult it was to contemplate how bad my headache could get without the shunt. The Lord is good and has given me much relief instead! What a gift to celebrate a year outside of a hospital!
The glasses have taken the headache down a couple notches to make it more tolerable and allow me to function a little more normally. I have a ways to go and perhaps won't fully regain my strength but I have made progress in that area as well. I just had my eyes checked again this week and will be receiving my third set of lenses. The headaches continue but they feel that my problem was significant enough and long lasting that my brain is having a difficult time figuring out what "normal" is so they aren't sure if this third set of glasses will be it or if I will have another adjustment or two. Very strange, but it has definitely been a help. Is it the only problem that I have? No, I think it has been a process and we have had to walk through each step that we've taken and this is just another piece of the puzzle. Stability in our lives this last year has been such a blessing, though!
The trauma that has been part of our lives over the last 6 1/2 years has had quite an impact on our family though, and I feel like we are now dealing with some of the fall out of that. We have walked a difficult path through my surgeries, hospital stays and some hard days but survived.. Now I am recovering but we need to help our kids deal with some things from the past that has been pretty hard. So the challenges have changed. If I was 100% back it would be difficult but with me being at maybe 60% it is tough and sometimes feels like more than we are equipped to handle. But God is good, His plans are good and we continue to trust his plans for our lives. I can glimpse one possible reason for Him preserving my life and that is now to help the family through it with His help.
Thank you for your continued prayers and love.
The glasses have taken the headache down a couple notches to make it more tolerable and allow me to function a little more normally. I have a ways to go and perhaps won't fully regain my strength but I have made progress in that area as well. I just had my eyes checked again this week and will be receiving my third set of lenses. The headaches continue but they feel that my problem was significant enough and long lasting that my brain is having a difficult time figuring out what "normal" is so they aren't sure if this third set of glasses will be it or if I will have another adjustment or two. Very strange, but it has definitely been a help. Is it the only problem that I have? No, I think it has been a process and we have had to walk through each step that we've taken and this is just another piece of the puzzle. Stability in our lives this last year has been such a blessing, though!
The trauma that has been part of our lives over the last 6 1/2 years has had quite an impact on our family though, and I feel like we are now dealing with some of the fall out of that. We have walked a difficult path through my surgeries, hospital stays and some hard days but survived.. Now I am recovering but we need to help our kids deal with some things from the past that has been pretty hard. So the challenges have changed. If I was 100% back it would be difficult but with me being at maybe 60% it is tough and sometimes feels like more than we are equipped to handle. But God is good, His plans are good and we continue to trust his plans for our lives. I can glimpse one possible reason for Him preserving my life and that is now to help the family through it with His help.
Thank you for your continued prayers and love.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sunday
Life has continued to be rather crazy, but perhaps it will slow down?
Yesterday the craziness caught up with me again. I woke up with my head hurting pretty badly and then the nausea hit a few hours later. I went to bed and slept for a few hours. When I woke up the nausea had improved but my head had not so Kyle gave me a shot. It helped considerably--enough that I could go to the concert that Tanner and Kylie were involved in. :)
This week was brutal, though, watching the drill team perform both Tuesday evening and Friday evening. I also bumped my head Friday evening which is never good for me and may have been what spurred the big headache on Saturday. This poor head of mine is as fragile as an egg, it seems!
We so appreciate the prayers and concern that people have continued to express to our family! What a blessing it is to hear from so many that they continue to pray for us and think about us. A group of dear ladies from Redeemer made us meals again which is such an amazing thing! We attempt to live life as normally as we can but it has been a struggle and seeing and hearing that people still care is just overwhelming and such a blessing. Thank you so much!
Yesterday the craziness caught up with me again. I woke up with my head hurting pretty badly and then the nausea hit a few hours later. I went to bed and slept for a few hours. When I woke up the nausea had improved but my head had not so Kyle gave me a shot. It helped considerably--enough that I could go to the concert that Tanner and Kylie were involved in. :)
This week was brutal, though, watching the drill team perform both Tuesday evening and Friday evening. I also bumped my head Friday evening which is never good for me and may have been what spurred the big headache on Saturday. This poor head of mine is as fragile as an egg, it seems!
We so appreciate the prayers and concern that people have continued to express to our family! What a blessing it is to hear from so many that they continue to pray for us and think about us. A group of dear ladies from Redeemer made us meals again which is such an amazing thing! We attempt to live life as normally as we can but it has been a struggle and seeing and hearing that people still care is just overwhelming and such a blessing. Thank you so much!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Saturday
I have been wearing the glasses for about 1 1/2 weeks and am encouraged with how I am doing! My headache is still there, but it has gone down a few degrees and that is wonderful! It is making the headache so much more more tolerable! The bad thing with the timing, though, is that the Botox shots were to begin helping the middle of this past week as well. That means that we won't know definitively that it is one treatment or the other that is helping or both at this point. I have a follow up with the neurologist the beginning of March, so we will see where we go from there. I am scheduled for the next set of Botox injections the beginning of April.
The thing that has not really improved is the ringing in my ears. Irritating, yes, but I can deal with that if many of the other symptoms improve or (dare I say) disappear!
Interestingly, I brought Tanner up for the eye testing as well since he regularly has headaches and has some of the other symptoms they have found typical with this eye problem. He definitely had it. The doctor said that he was "off the charts" and will need to wear glasses as well. The negative for him to start with is that he will need to wear his contacts for his regular correction and also wear the glasses for this focusing issue. They are working on designing glasses that will correct for both and are also in the process of developing contacts for this problem as well. So him wearing both will probably be temporary.
Riley said to me the other day that "I don't look as bad as he thought I would with glasses." I'm not sure if that is a compliment or slam but I had to laugh regardless. Funny kid!
The thing that has not really improved is the ringing in my ears. Irritating, yes, but I can deal with that if many of the other symptoms improve or (dare I say) disappear!
Interestingly, I brought Tanner up for the eye testing as well since he regularly has headaches and has some of the other symptoms they have found typical with this eye problem. He definitely had it. The doctor said that he was "off the charts" and will need to wear glasses as well. The negative for him to start with is that he will need to wear his contacts for his regular correction and also wear the glasses for this focusing issue. They are working on designing glasses that will correct for both and are also in the process of developing contacts for this problem as well. So him wearing both will probably be temporary.
Riley said to me the other day that "I don't look as bad as he thought I would with glasses." I'm not sure if that is a compliment or slam but I had to laugh regardless. Funny kid!
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