I have been learning that there are many pains in this life, some more describable and easier to verbalize than others. My headaches have caused a lot of pain and trial in our lives along with growth in faith and strength of spirit and understanding that I can trust the Lord no matter what. It seems that the Lord continues to strengthen me through hard times as I am sure many others have experienced as well.
As a child and teen I had a couple girls that told me over and over that I was a loser, ugly, stupid and would never amount to anything. I would never get married and I was just plain weird. A person can fully absorb that and believe it but also move forward and heal. I loved moving on to college and embraced a new start.
Fast forward to years of infertility prior to having our two biological children. Pain and heartache that is hard to describe. Then secondary infertility and the inability to have any other children when the Lord had placed in our hearts the desire for a larger family. Working through the emotions of that and deciding that the Lord was leading us to adoption from Guatemala. Our first adoption was difficult although not even close to as difficult as others that I have known.
A couple years later my health began to deteriorate and we are now nearly seven years into a hard, hard time of pain which created a great deal of instability in our family. During my worst years, my concern about my kids focused on what was happening during those times, what we were missing and how they were hurting and scared. I didn't think so much about the multiple scars that would be left behind by not knowing so many times if mom would live or die. People say that kids are resilient and can "handle" it. I think we are finding now that they really can't, but they can hide the hurt for a while.
I describe this as a sample of a few things in my life to explain that I understand hurt by others, internal pain and indescribable physical pain. I've seen my parents suffer in ways that are indescribable. The pain now of seeing my kids hurting and struggling is the hardest thing that we have experienced, and not something that we can really describe on a public blog. That explains my silence. I'm not trying to say "poor me" or "poor us" or try to gain sympathy. This post is just an explanation as best as I can make of where we are now.
Please continue to pray for our family. We are hurting and perhaps a little fearful of a decline of my seemingly fragile health. We know our kids are hurting and struggling and we often aren't clear in how to help. We all long for the Lord's return which will end the pain of life on this earth. Please don't get me wrong--there are bright spots and times of joy--but there is a also a lot of hurt and questions about where the Lord is leading us and what the future may look like for each one of our kids.
Isaiah 41:10
English Standard Version (ESV)
10 fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
