Saturday

I continue to feel pretty well overall. Being overwhelmed is still a big problem for me and I wonder if there will be an improvement to that or how long. It is difficult feeling better and yet not being able to do what normally people do. I particularly would like to get to the point that I can handle my kids. I know that it isn't easy being a parent to 4 kids in a normal life, but this really is different. It has been some years, but I remember what it was like with four kids--two being quite young--and how that can make life crazy but this is so different that that. It is like I can't process what is happening. I have been reminded many times that I have had this struggle for five years and that I won't get back to normal that quickly. That is head knowledge that I remind myself of often, but harder to deal with emotionally. I "look" normal now so the expectation of some is that I should perform normally as well and although I know that it is not reasonable I have a harder time not expecting it of myself.

The news that Rodney L of SF passing away last night was so sad for Kyle and I. We didn't know them but have been following their story. I think I was having my marathon of surgeries when he was diagnosed with leukemia. Someone told me about him and I have followed his caringbridge since. We have prayed for them and thought about them so often. Kyle has probably related to a certain extent to Kerry as she cared for Rodney and wondered if she would lose him. I hope I can say this the right way but as I look at their situation and even ours, I have often thought that Rodney and I have had the "easier" journey. No, not easy and a lot of pain and suffering and sadness. However, Kerry has had the prospect and now experiencing the loss of Rodney as husband and father to her children for the rest of her life on earth. Yes, the sorrow will become more manageable as time passes but she has had a lot to face prior to his death and now has a gaping hole in her life that will never be filled. Rodney has had to face death but knew that death meant life in heaven. I am sure that he wanted to be a husband and father for many more years but he also knew that if the day came that his life on earth was done, an eternity in heaven is a joyous and marvelous thing! When the pain has become intense, I have had a very strong longing for life in heaven but mourned for those left behind if that day came. Evidently the Lord has a plan for me on this earth yet because I am still here!