Sunday

It is a Sunday evening and I have been reflecting on the last week and the last few years of my life. What a roller coaster! It seems as if I have more moments of dread lately for not particular reason.

The thought of staying in the hospital again fills me with dread. I think of different times that I have rolled into the operating room, the visits with a variety of doctors and different levels of pain. Difficult trips to Milwaukee with extra drugs pumped into me at the local hospital to help me make the trip. Sitting in my bedroom with earplugs and still being overwhelmed with the noise of my kids in the next room. Staying at my parents home a few times because I just couldn't handle the noise no matter how quiet my kids tried to be. Feeling so overwhelmed that I couldn't think through things enough to determine what clothes my kids needed during change of seasons for my sister to buy.

Oh, there have been some really tough times. I just dread the time that it happens again and pray that next time the shunt placements will go better. I pray that I don't get another infection. Occasionally I will have pain in my side where the shunt is now draining and I wonder if this is it. I long to be a mom to my kids at least until they are in college and a little more independent. I pray that the Lord gives me that time to be here with them. the Lord is in control and if He does decide to take me earlier, I know that He will provide for my husband and kids and will give them what they need. But I pray that this is not His plan and that if it is He gives each of them and all the members of my family a special measure of grace.

I am not living in fear but I it just seems that I will have flashbacks sometimes that continue to bring the memories to the front of my mind again. This continues to be the longest time that I have done fairly well and I am so thankful for these days of near normalcy--for my sake and for my entire family. What a blessing this has been!