Sunday

Tomorrow is the day.  I have surgery at 12:30.  We anticipate that it will be short and easy for me with only one night in the hospital.  Today has been a good day--perhaps the best that I have had for some time.  I am appreciating this good day but have learned not to plan or expect that the same will be true for tomorrow.  I did not attend church today again because the noise level is so difficult to control in an unfamiliar place where I don't know where to go to get away from it if necessary.  It is hard to miss the communion with the saints.

We are thankful again for Harry and Dori for inviting us into their home again this weekend.  What a blessing to have a distraction from the heaviness of this journey.  They were wonderful hosts and made us feel so comfortable and cared for.

Mom and I were talking tonight again about how difficult this journey is.  Chronic illness is an exhausting and lonely walk.  I am learning to be more compassionate toward others that may experience an ongoing illness.  I know that I have written about this before but it is hitting me a little harder being away and feeling so isolated.  I know that I haven't been to many or most of the activities at church and school so I don't see people and talk to people and create or maintain relationships that ordinarily would happen.  When I am somewhere, I often rush in and out immediately before and after because the noise and activity is more than I can handle. But it seems to isolate me and cut me off from others and that isolation can be nearly as difficult as the illness itself.  I would like to have those relationships and friendships and it has been hard seeing those disappear.  The longer this goes on, the more I think it becomes normal to others and so I am not missed or expected.  I am not writing this to whine or complain but just to state a reality that I have found as I continue dealing with this.  Five and half years have passed and a lot has changed.  My faith is stronger and the Lord has blessed me in immeasurable ways.  I wouldn't have chosen this path, but I know that it is the best for me.  That doesn't make it easy, though. 

Tonight is my younger kids' Christmas program at church.  Riley told me a couple nights ago that my being gone so long is really hard for him and Tara and that he really didn't want me to miss their program.  They are sad and I am, too.  This isn't just one program, but countless activities and programs over the years.  It accumulates and it hurts them and I.  This whole thing is just hard. 

Hopefully my mom will have a moment to post tomorrow evening regarding the surgery.